hedberg Quotes

“Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!”

“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”

“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”

“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.”

“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?”

“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”

“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.”

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”

“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”